a step forward

i am biologically a female, but in some aspects in my mind, i tend to think like male.
i had just broken up with my ex after an amazing two years.. and now i cannot think of dropping any single tear. there's nothing to be sad either regret about. after hours thinking, i came to a conclusion that we are better off separated. when we broke up, i thought the reason why i cried was because i am still in love with him. but then i knew i was wrong. the main reason why i cried was i knew i had lost my love in him since many months ago... but all this time we were pretending to be a good couple. he treated me nice because becoming nice is his duty to his girlfriend and vice versa.
we had wasted so much time pretending to be okay and happy, because we didnt want to hut each other's feelings. we believed that the thing so called love was still there, inside that small hut we built and tried everything to find it back. we didnt realize that that warm and lovely glow had gone..and we couldnt do anything but leaving that place.
he was right. "take your time alone, and you'll realize how much you've fed up with me."
he was right.
and now when he left, i feel better. i am never as happy as nowadays. i mean, i was always living in fear of losing him and worrying his stupid fans club, but now i am free from that. it's energizing, relieving. i have nothing to lose!
being single is the ultimate time to find ways to define who i am in my way. because during our relationship, people tended to define me according to him. in doing this, there were always binary oppositions established. and now those binary oppositions have broken down.

though people tend to expect girls to moan, cry and desperate for a long time after breaking up, so sorry, i dont do that way. i am a human too. i deserve to be happy and am not scared to reach out for it.
they may think this is too soon.. but as i told before, my feelings to ali had been gone since a long time ago so technically, i am rushing on nothing. this is not too soon.

well, i wanna be falling in love again. and i am ready for it.